so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
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Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Love thy neighbor’s dog
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
*weighs self after shaving
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery