Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
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What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.