One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
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*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.