can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
You Might Also Like
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.