I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
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My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.