Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
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ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant