villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
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Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it