I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
You Might Also Like
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?