Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
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My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.