Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
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I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children