What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
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I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Ron is short for Aaronald
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
LOOOOOOL
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy