driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
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nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction