If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
You Might Also Like
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.