We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
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I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.