[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
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It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it