society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
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My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes