In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
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The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
cats when you pet them too long:
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.