HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
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Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
This was my dad’s browser history.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.