What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
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*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse