So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
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“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Name another movie that mislead you?
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”