my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
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Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN