astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
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I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
cause of death:
autopsy.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.