It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
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Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
That was easy.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.