“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
You Might Also Like
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”