My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
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smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.