This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
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[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Just a friendly reminder!
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
i smell a pulitzer
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread