Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
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Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring