Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
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I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Social distancing in Australia:
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
#damn
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that