Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
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the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
me: my friends:
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar