I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
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I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
B
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Cannot stop laughing at this
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box