[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
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[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person