ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
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(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Me My dog
It has been 3 years since Monday.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
beware of dog
(jukin media)
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas