“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
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the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
S M O L
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?