Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
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My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
no
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.