There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
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Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
saving face 👀
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.