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passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.