People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
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Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Buck naked
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.