“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
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Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
sry
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Meow
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not