I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
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[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…