Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
You Might Also Like
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Don’t forget to tip your server
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.