I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
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A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Smile they said.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
A woman drives into a bar.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.