[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
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If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Just a phase…
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
yeah not falling for this one
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”