I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
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The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
the three genders
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.