me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
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Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
🤣🤣
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*