If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
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Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.