One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
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BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !