Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
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Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Animal poetry
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?