The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
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[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations