Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
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You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?