Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
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In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
i will not be silenced
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.